Saturday, December 31, 2011

14 weeks 4 days

Well its New Years Eve.....the time we try to strive for new goals and dreams and the time we reflect on the past year.

As I look over the year some things we're good, some things I could have done better, and some things I am still working on.  Even though all of my goals have not been reached they are being worked in particular is being a mom.  I remember saying to my DH last year that I wanted to work on several items by the end of the year...1.  work on paying off bills 2. refinance the house 3. prepare for our own child to come into our home or adopt.

Even though I lost my teaching job in June (due to budget cuts) I have managed to pay off one of my many credit card bills and my car :)  The two bills together save us over $500 a month (WOW).  Refinancing the house is harder than I thought since we are now a one income family.  As of Dec 31, 2011 I am 14 weeks and 4 days, so I am preparing to bring our own biological child home.

Even though the weeks have been difficult, I am here.  I have made it through the first trimester!!!!  Every day I work to stay positive and not let fear take over .  I would be lying if I said I wasnt scared, if I havent cried, if I havent felt like I was losing my mind. 

I am praying that 2012 brings me my earthly baby...home, safely, and healthy

Monday, December 19, 2011

12 weeks 4 days

I am so ready to get past the first trimester....

It has been an emotional rollacoster, but then I wonder if the second trimester will be any different.  I wish I could have a normal pregnancy.  So many worries, so many tears, so much loss has trully put a "damper" on the "pregnancy bliss".

Is it just me.....

I have not openly announced that I was pregnant.  People and family have found out through my sickness and my  I have told a couple of people openly but I didnt scream it from the roof tops.  My brother told his wife, "I think Ton Ton is pregnant".  She replied, yea, I think so as well and when she is ready to tell us she will in her own time.  I dont think I ever said I was but i just slid it into conversation. 

Since it has been cold wearing my coat hides my stomach from most.  Two ladies at church just noticed my bump and we're very suprised.   They wanted to know if they had missed the annoucement. 

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Coming out of hiding

My heart is racing and tears are flowing as I type this but I am tired of hiding....I am currently 10 weeks pregnant!!!

For those of you who do not know me, I am back for the 7th time!!!!!

After trying for over 2 years to conceive with Endometriosis, Fibroids, PCOS, Hypothyroidism, and 1 functioning tube......

Pregnancy #1 ended at 5.5 weeks in 06
Pregnancy #2 ended with the b/d of our first daughter Tiffany @ 21 weeks in 08...failed emergency cerclage
Pregnancy #3 ended with the b/d of our second daughter Elizabeth @ 20 weeks in 09....failed preventive cerclage
Pregnancy #4 ended at 8 weeks for unknown reasons in 09
Pregnancy #5 was ectopic found at 6 weeks in 09 ( in the tube that is "closed" but has healed enough to pull an egg out but not through)
Pregnancy #6 ended in May at 6.5 weeks due to possible low progesterone

And here we are this pregnancy has been soooooo different one day i am sick and the next I fee day i have sore breast and the next day I dont. My doctor feels very good about this pregnancy. I have been on progesterone since day 1 along with baby aspirin. I start Levonox on Friday, which is a daily shot of a blood thinner.

Please pray for me and this pregnancy that this journey to motherhood is long and boring

Sunday, October 16, 2011

How is everyone?

I have been so preoccupied with "stuff" that I have slacked off with my post.  I promise to do better.

I know that several have had POSITIVE test and others are still hoping and waiting. 

My minister preached today about not giving up on can be difficult and hard but you cannot give up on GOD.  If you are still here and you have breath in your body, then there is always hope.  Hope is only as far as you can see...if you dont or cant see yourself and your dreams beyond today or tomorrow, then how can hope "trully" live within you?

I thought all of us could get something from this message!

I know personally, after I lost Elizabeth, I wanted to give up.  I wanted to roll over and die.  I wanted to be like the woman in I Kings 18...who waited on death to come.  But then my DH said to me, "if I lose you and the girls, where does that leave me, what am I going to do without you?"  When he said that I realized I could not leave my husband, broken from every area of his soul.  He first watched his children die and then his wife...I could not do that to him. 

So we prayed everyday that God would help us deal with our pain ....we continue to hope everyday for a rainbow....because we are looking beyond today and tomorrow.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

More walk pictures

Here are a couple of other pictures

My angels are remembered

My pictures of the Walk to Remember from my support group.  I cannot explain to you how wonderful this experience was.  There were tears shed but there were smiles as well.  Over 1000 people came out honoring over 250 babies. 

Saturday, September 3, 2011

A Feeling...

For those of you who visit here from time to time, you know that this blog has been all about my life since the loss of my girls in 2008 and 2009 and the pregnancies, heartaches, and my daily life which have followed. 

There have been times on this grief journey that I have this overwhelming feeling.  It fills my chest and I feel like I could sufficate with this feeling.  Before I know it my eyes feel with tears and they roll down my face like a river.  There is never a sound...a cry of pain....there are just tears.  The tears dont last but a minute or two and then they are gone but not until I say hello.  Yes, "hello". 

I use to think it was just another part of grief raising its ugly head.....but that it is not the case anymore.
It hard for me to describe how I have come to this point in my journey.  In my heart I believe when this feeling comes over me it is not of pain, but of love.  In my heart I believe its Tiffany and Elizabeth saying hello and that they miss me.  So I tell each one by one "hello Tiffany...I love u 2 and Mommy misses you so much.....hello Elizabeth...I love u 2 and Mommy misses you so much. 

Before I know it the tears are gone and the heaviness in my chest is gone.

Has anyone else had this feeling?  If so what do you think of that feeling?


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

False Positive

I am a bad blogger.....I post regularly and then I fall of the wagon....

I had a false positive test pregnancy test which is most likely for the best best since I lost my teaching job in June and my insurance will expire Sept 1st. 

I am currently STILL looking and I was already stressed out and I was beginning to stress out even more realizing the situation I would be in.  Dont get me wrong I would have happily accepted a new pregnancy but I also realize I need to be careful so that I dont put DH and I in a pregnancy with one income and no insurance, high risk, with an incompetent cervix.......

How do spell relief...N-E-G-A-T-I-V-E

Monday, August 1, 2011

comment troubles?

Hi ladies

I have tried to comment on several of your messages and blogs but for some reason I cannot.  So I wanted everyone to know, if I dont say anything....its not by choice. 

I hope to resolve this issue soon.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Happy Birthday Tiffany

I cant believe my Tiffany would be 3 today.

DH asked me what I thought she would be doing today.  I stated, probably coloring my walls, since the economy is so bad and money is so tight". 

Today, I got up and lit a candle and song Happy Birthday to her.  Later MEND sent 3 long white roses.

DH asked if anyone called to let us know they thought of Tiffany today and I said "no". He then asked if my feelings we're hurt and I said "no".  I have "matured" in my grief...if that makes since.  I don't care if people remember (I am touched when they do).  I am not hurt if the phone doesn't ring or they don't leave a message on my facebook page. I understand their lives continue the clock keeps ticking and there is no reason for them to mark the 21st of June and the 21st of July on their calendar. 

Unless a loss touches a person directly there is no need for a person to remember my loss or anyone else's loss.....I am OK with it!

Anyways...Happy Birthday to my sweet Tiffany Pooh.  I still remember how you felt in my arms, your long skinny fingers (like your Aunt), you looked just like your Daddy, and you had your Mommy's toes. 

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Bloodwork results


I received my bloodwork on yesterday...and they showed NOTHING!  I was let down, I thought the test would show the reason why I keep miscarrying, but it didn't. 

Could it be my age? Could it be my progesterone? Could it be......Could it be.....Could it be....

My doctor suggested that I continue to take my prenatal vitamins, a daily low dose asprian, and pray.  At this point there is no "solid" reason of why, so I feel so frustrated. 

Faith....the substance of things hope for the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1)....THIS IS ALL I CAN HOLD ON TO. With that being said, I step out on Faith and pray that the Lord answers my prayers and hears my cry and wipes away my tears.   

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Happy Birthday Lizzy

Today is Elizabeth's 2nd Birthday and Angel-day. 

It has been a day full of emotions.  I woke up this morning almost the exact time that my water broke 2 years ago.  I opened my eyes with Elizabeth on my mind.  I left the bedroom and went to the living room where I song Happy Birthday to Lizzy.I then lit a candle by her picture and picked up her urn which sits on the fireplace mantle along with Tiffanys. 

I know its strange but I shook the urn so that I could hear her ashes move.  I immediately broke down was weird because I heard her....I never thought I would be able to hear her again.  At some point I fell asleep holding her urn in my arms.

When I woke up, my Hubby was up and sitting in the media room. He came to the living room and did the same thing as I....he picked up her urn from the mantle, took it into his hands stroked it, said happy birthday, and begin to go down the list of things he thought she would be doing today.  It was touching to see and hear his love for her.

Later, the door bell rang and I knew it was the delivery support group sends white roses for each year of birth/angel day.  So we received 2 long  stem white roses.  I think I was crying before I even opened the door.

The day ended with my sister in law (Hubby's sister) calling checking on me.....SHE REMEMBERED.

Thursday, June 2, 2011


Sorry it has been so long since, I have posted, but my mind has been everywhere!

Just to update you on things....back on the 16th we just knew I was having a miscarriage because of all the bleeding.  Blood work was done 3 times and each time my numbers went up indicating I was still pregnant.

My doctor found I had a medium size subchronic bleed, not a miscarriage.  You could clearly see a sac in the uterus. Since I was so early another ultrasound wasn't scheduled until Tuesday, May 31st. 

However, on Friday, May 27, the bleeding started again.  On Monday, the doctor confirmed that I did miscarry this time.  At the end of the month, I will be going in for several auto immune see if there are issues we dont know about.

 In the mean time, I was advised to continue taking my prenatals, along a baby asprin. 

Monday, May 16, 2011

Walking Away

I think it is time for me to walk away from this dream of having a child.  I cannot take this rollacoaster anymore.
I was so excited after having the TAC done in February.  I thought all of my dreams we're reachable.
But today, I went to the doctor knowing and realizing I was having  another miscarriage.  I am only 4.5 weeks so the doctor would not say I was and he would not say that I was not untill he can see the blood count from my second set of labs.  But I know this pregnancy is over....and at this point I think everything is over.
I dont think I can do this anymore...its just too hard...6 pregnancies in 3 years and no earth angels is just too much even for the strongest person to endure. 

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Pregancy calendar

Yesterday, while the students took their TAKS test....and I struggled with sleepiness, my mind began to wonder. 

Since DH and I are currently TTC again, I began to think of all my pregnancies and it was mind least for me. 

Pregnancy 1 - August and a half years would pass before our next BFP
Pregnancy 2 - February 08-July 08.....only 6 months between T and E
Pregnancy 3 - February 09-June 09....only 6 months between E and "Goober"
Pregnancy 4 - December '10 - January '11...only 5 months between "Goober" and "Peanut"
Pregnancy 5 - August '11-September '11.....only 6 months between "Peanut" and Baby B

So in 4 1/2 years I have been pregnant ALOT...sometimes you cant see how much until you put it on paper.  Just kind of makes you say WOW.  I even had to laugh at the stats when I saw them.  My longest stretch was before 2008, after that I have been one busy lady.

I just hope the pattern continues and we get a BFP really soon. 

summer time

As the summer approaches, I find myself thinking of the girls more and more.Mainly because the girls birthdays are approaching....Elizabeth June 21st and Tiffany July 21st.  Elizabeth would have been 2 and Tiffany would have been 3.

Sometimes I try to picture my life if they were here.  Would there be crayon colors on the wall, juice stains in the carpet, toys on the floor, hand prints on the window, a step stool in the bathroom, fluffy animals on the bed, pink dresses in the closet......the list goes on and on.

Its hard to believe it has been 2 and 3 years since we lost them.  Sometimes it feels like its been longer, sometimes it feels like it just happened.  Although I have been on this journey for a while, it is still hard to believe all of this has happened.  Sometimes I feel as though I am watching a movie...but the end never comes.  It just keeps going and going and going. 

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Whats Regular

I am soooo not use to the flip flopping of my cyle.  I dont think I was quite prepared for the confusion my body would go through after the TAC was placed. 

Once my hypothyroidism was diagnosed in 2003 and I was finally placed on the right medication, my cycles have been very regular.  (Even though I went from 2003 - 2004 with no cycle!!!)  Even after the loss of my girls, I regained my cycle within 6 to 8 weeks.

So here I am....2 months after the TAC was placed.  I got my cycle only 2 days after my surgery, which I thought was a good sign, but then in March, I started 5 days late....April I should have ovulated on Friday, but ended up ovulaing on Monday...GRRRR....SO I MISSED THE WINDOW.

I am sooooo frustrated, I just want to be pregnant and have a chance to be an earthly mother, to a child I have carried, which I can raise and love and spoil.......AM I ASKING FOR TOO MUCH. Sometimes I feel as though I am wanting too much.  Maybe I had my chance and it is now gone and I need to move on in life.  OR maybe I am just being impatient and I just want it sooner than God wants me too.  I JUST WISH I KNEW WHICH WAY TO GO. 

Those of you who have the TAC how long did it take you to become pregnant after it was placed OR is your body still trying to adjust?

Friday, March 25, 2011

The Tug at Your Heart

Have you ever felt a pull at your heart that's so deep, it cant be explained?

Have you ever felt like someone or something is so deep in your heart that you can feel their soul in you?


I have felt a tug at my heart which is so deep and so strong and so powerful, that I know it has to be my girls sending their love to me...telling me hello....saying "Mommy we love you". 

My eyes fill with tears but not always sad tears. I have always felt that when a person, passed away they we're gone in every way, shape, and form.  But now, I know I was wrong....even though our loved ones are no longer in our presence, they are in us.

The first time I felt this feeling, I was so scared that I was going crazy...that I had fallen so deep into my grief that I was losing my mind.  I felt like Tiffany (aka Tiffy) was here with me....I felt like she could have been in my arms, in my home, and in our lives physically.  I told my DH with tears in my eyes, I feel Tiffany, shes calling for me, she missing me, she loves me. He didn't quite understand and was a bit confused, but he could easily see that I was serious and that I was truly feeling my child.

Sometimes, I feel Elizabeth (aka Lizy Pooh) as well.  She comes on just as strong as Tify.  Then there are times I feel both the girls in such a joyful way, like they are playing....what a smile this brings to my face.

I hope none of you feel that I am crazy, I just think its the love I have for them and the love they have for me. Its difficult to explain the feeling you get when you know that your loved one is still with you

It funny how things go back and forth on this journey called grief.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Thursday, March 3, 2011



I am in my two week window and I am hoping for a BFP in about 14 days!!!!  I know I am putting myself out there but I really do think there is a chance. 

Since having the TAC on the 14th of February, I wanted to follow my ovulation and cycle closely.  I know that the surgery can throw things off, so I was concerned that I would get off track and not know exactly then my cycle or ovulation was due.  So I decided to purchase an ovulation kit.

I knew that ovulation was due Monday, February 28th.

So I decided to begin tracking on Friday, but day after day there was NOTHING.  On Monday, nothing; Tuesday, nothing; and then on Wedesday, it showed I was OVULATING.....just when I had given up for the month and down to my last test...

So keep your fingers crossed and say a prayer for me that I get my BFP

Monday, February 21, 2011

My support group, has a quarterly booklet (magazine) which they put out.  A couple of months ago, they wanted anyone who had experienced multiple losses to write their story.  Well, below is my story which was recently published.
My name is Tonya and my huband and I are the faces of multiple losses….5 to be exact.  This is not what we dreamt of when we decided to begin a family in 2004.  Sometimes we still can’t imagine that this is our life, but it is. 
Our grief journey began in August 2006 after several years of medication, doctor appointments, an operation and many prayers, we finally conceived, but our joy was short lived because we miscarried four days afterwards. I didn’t think the pain could get any worse, but I WAS SO WRONG.
It took us another 1 ½ years before we would conceive again.  Just when we had lost hope and decided we would adopt, we found out we we’re pregnant again in February 2008.  We learned, we we’re having a little girl and we we’re over the moon with excitement. Other than severe morning sickness, the pregnancy was going wonderful, until that dreadful day in July.  After a routine doctor’s appointment, I learned that I was 2 cm dilated with membranes bulging, along with contractions which I could not feel.  I was told that I had an Incompetent Cervix and that I would need an emergency cerclage.  So I was immediately taking to labor and delivery where I stayed for the next 6 days, but my battle with IC was lost because on July 21st Tiffany Evette was born. 
From that point on our days and nights we’re filled with tears and questions.  How could this happen?  What is an Incompetent Cervix?  Why did this happen to us?  Why did we have to lose our child?  We wanted our little girl, we loved our little girl!!   No matter how many questions we asked, it still didn’t bring our Tiffany back.
We took a leap out on faith and In February 2009, we we’re pregnant again!!!  This time we had a plan.  We knew what an Incompetent Cervix was and we knew how to treat it….we we’re ready.  This time we we’re bringing our baby home!! I WAS WRONG, AGAIN.  It was like déjà vu.  Everything was happening in the exact same way as our loss with Tiffany.  I went in for a “regular” doctor’s appointment and a “change” was seen with my cervix.  So we checked in the hospital, expecting to be home in 48 hours.  However, things went downhill fast, and 14 days later, on June 21st (Father’s Day), I gave birth to Elizabeth Hope.
How could this happen again?  Lighting never strikes twice in the same place, at least that what we have always been told.  But lighting does strike twice in the same place…’s rare but it can happen.  We we’re just beginning to accept our lives, now we we’re thrown into a DEEPER pit, which was twice as big, twice as deep, and twice as painful. 
After so much pain, we found the hope to try again in November 09.  By December, we we’re pregnant and by January we we’re met with disappointment again with our second miscarriage. 
In August 2010, we became pregnant for the 5th time.  However, we quickly learned something was not right.  At six weeks we learned I had an ectopic pregnancy. 
After 4 years on this grief journey, I still cry.  I still have my days. I still grieve for my babies.  I especially grieve for my little girls.  Some of you may ask why keep going?  Why keep putting yourself though this pain?  Why keep trying?  It is because we still have hope and we have a dream, and a desire, to have a biological child.  We don’t want to look back years from now and wonder, what if.  We still have hope on this journey called grief. 
♥♥    Baby Brown-Aug 06; Tiffany-July 08; Elizabeth-June 09; “Goober”-Jan ‘10; Baby Brown 2-Sept ‘10

Friday, February 18, 2011


Well, I am back from Chicago and my TAC is in!!!  I want to thank everyone for all the prayers, support, and words of encouragement. 

The day and hours leading up to the surgery we're so hectic, I didn't have time to think about everything which was about to happen....

First, I decided to make a last minute road trip with family, Sunday morning.  Yes DH and I we're flying out Sunday evening at 6...but I thought what the heck!!!  So we made a 3 hour road trip to East Texas, spent a couple of hours with other family, and then we headed back to the metroplex.  I had just enough time to grab my bag, my coat, DH, and then head out the door.

Second, we are getting out the car and I notice DH has a runny nose.  So I immediately ask, do you have a cold.  His respond is "I think so".  We continue on into the airport where I have a wheel chair waiting on me, board, change planes in Houston....and DH says "I feel like crap".

Third, by the time we land in Chicago, DH is sick from head to toe.  By the time we get in bed its 1 a.m. and our alarm goes off at 4....we have to be at the hospital at 5:30....still no time to think....until we hit the waiting room.

The waiting room brought all my emotions up front and I began to cry the biggest tears.  I feel Tiffany and Elizabeth with me, I feel all the prayers of family and friends, and I feel all the heartache I have endured over the last 2 years.

An hour and a half later, the TAC is done. By 1pm we are headed to the room.  They soon bring DH in a bed and we both sleep until 7am!!!!!

Monday, February 7, 2011

7 days and counting

I am down to 7 days before my TAC and my emotions are everywhere!!!

First, I still have this really bad head cold.  I finally went to the doctor today, for antibotics. I don't think they we're really wanting to prescribe them, but I informed them I would be having major surgery in 7 days and I needed to be better!!  So I am nervous that I will still have a cold and we wont be able to have the surgery.

Second, I am also scared about not being able to put the TAC to use.  I don't want to think negatively but it seems as though when you have the answers to life, you are thrown a curve ball, and the game changes.

Third, I am excited.  This will be the solution to my problems.  I know the TAC is the solution to an incompetent cervix!

Fourth, I am nervous about this "major" surgery.  I have been cut on too many times in the last couple of years and I am just well....tired

I am ready for a new chapter in this journey called GRIEF

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Bad Weather Day 2

Well, Dallas is not just looking forward to the Super Bowl, but they are also looking forward to warmer weather!!!

It was 77 degrees here on Saturday, and today the high was 21 with a windchill of 2.  Tonight, we will fall into the single digits, with a windchill  of -10!!! I have always heard, "if you don't like the weather in Texas, just hang around a will change."  THIS IS CRAZY.

It is COLD here.  School was out today and school will be out on tomorrow.  This means, school (for me) will not let out until June 8th.  GRRRRR

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Crutches and Surgery?

I have less than 20 days before my surgery in Chicago and I am still on crutches!!!!

I was hoping (well praying) this week would be my last week on crutches after my knee surgery on December 29th, but thats not going to happen.  As a matter of fact, I will still be on crutches when I leave for Chicago!!!!!   I am soooooo not liking that!!!!!

So it looks like I better start looking for a rental car....great more money to spend. 

Saturday, January 15, 2011

The Countdown

Well as of today, I have less than 30 days before my TAC is placed. I am so excited and so nervous at the same time.  I know those of you who have loss, had the TAC placed, and became pregnant again know my feelings. 

I am praying so hard that this procedure allows my dreams to come true.  I know that it has worked for others, and I want so BAD for it to work for me. 

I am so ready for another chapter of this grief journey to begin. 

Saturday, January 1, 2011


When a new year begins, its the opportunity for a fresh start to life. 

I look forward to 2011. I look forward to seeing what it holds for me.  Will this be the year that I can pay off bills; will this be the year, I will have less debt; will this be the year that I make a career change; will this be the year God allows me to bring home a baby.

No matter where I am in my life, I always come around to the last question....will this year be my year to bring "my" baby home.  I would not do it in 2006, 2008, 2009, nor 2010 (x2)...I am hopefull and praying for 2011, while on this journey called GRIEF.