Monday, February 21, 2011

My support group, has a quarterly booklet (magazine) which they put out.  A couple of months ago, they wanted anyone who had experienced multiple losses to write their story.  Well, below is my story which was recently published.
My name is Tonya and my huband and I are the faces of multiple losses….5 to be exact.  This is not what we dreamt of when we decided to begin a family in 2004.  Sometimes we still can’t imagine that this is our life, but it is. 
Our grief journey began in August 2006 after several years of medication, doctor appointments, an operation and many prayers, we finally conceived, but our joy was short lived because we miscarried four days afterwards. I didn’t think the pain could get any worse, but I WAS SO WRONG.
It took us another 1 ½ years before we would conceive again.  Just when we had lost hope and decided we would adopt, we found out we we’re pregnant again in February 2008.  We learned, we we’re having a little girl and we we’re over the moon with excitement. Other than severe morning sickness, the pregnancy was going wonderful, until that dreadful day in July.  After a routine doctor’s appointment, I learned that I was 2 cm dilated with membranes bulging, along with contractions which I could not feel.  I was told that I had an Incompetent Cervix and that I would need an emergency cerclage.  So I was immediately taking to labor and delivery where I stayed for the next 6 days, but my battle with IC was lost because on July 21st Tiffany Evette was born. 
From that point on our days and nights we’re filled with tears and questions.  How could this happen?  What is an Incompetent Cervix?  Why did this happen to us?  Why did we have to lose our child?  We wanted our little girl, we loved our little girl!!   No matter how many questions we asked, it still didn’t bring our Tiffany back.
We took a leap out on faith and In February 2009, we we’re pregnant again!!!  This time we had a plan.  We knew what an Incompetent Cervix was and we knew how to treat it….we we’re ready.  This time we we’re bringing our baby home!! I WAS WRONG, AGAIN.  It was like déjà vu.  Everything was happening in the exact same way as our loss with Tiffany.  I went in for a “regular” doctor’s appointment and a “change” was seen with my cervix.  So we checked in the hospital, expecting to be home in 48 hours.  However, things went downhill fast, and 14 days later, on June 21st (Father’s Day), I gave birth to Elizabeth Hope.
How could this happen again?  Lighting never strikes twice in the same place, at least that what we have always been told.  But lighting does strike twice in the same place…’s rare but it can happen.  We we’re just beginning to accept our lives, now we we’re thrown into a DEEPER pit, which was twice as big, twice as deep, and twice as painful. 
After so much pain, we found the hope to try again in November 09.  By December, we we’re pregnant and by January we we’re met with disappointment again with our second miscarriage. 
In August 2010, we became pregnant for the 5th time.  However, we quickly learned something was not right.  At six weeks we learned I had an ectopic pregnancy. 
After 4 years on this grief journey, I still cry.  I still have my days. I still grieve for my babies.  I especially grieve for my little girls.  Some of you may ask why keep going?  Why keep putting yourself though this pain?  Why keep trying?  It is because we still have hope and we have a dream, and a desire, to have a biological child.  We don’t want to look back years from now and wonder, what if.  We still have hope on this journey called grief. 
♥♥    Baby Brown-Aug 06; Tiffany-July 08; Elizabeth-June 09; “Goober”-Jan ‘10; Baby Brown 2-Sept ‘10

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing your story. Love and hugs to you and Eric, and floaty kisses to Tiff and Lizzie.