Monday, February 21, 2011

My support group, has a quarterly booklet (magazine) which they put out.  A couple of months ago, they wanted anyone who had experienced multiple losses to write their story.  Well, below is my story which was recently published.
My name is Tonya and my huband and I are the faces of multiple losses….5 to be exact.  This is not what we dreamt of when we decided to begin a family in 2004.  Sometimes we still can’t imagine that this is our life, but it is. 
Our grief journey began in August 2006 after several years of medication, doctor appointments, an operation and many prayers, we finally conceived, but our joy was short lived because we miscarried four days afterwards. I didn’t think the pain could get any worse, but I WAS SO WRONG.
It took us another 1 ½ years before we would conceive again.  Just when we had lost hope and decided we would adopt, we found out we we’re pregnant again in February 2008.  We learned, we we’re having a little girl and we we’re over the moon with excitement. Other than severe morning sickness, the pregnancy was going wonderful, until that dreadful day in July.  After a routine doctor’s appointment, I learned that I was 2 cm dilated with membranes bulging, along with contractions which I could not feel.  I was told that I had an Incompetent Cervix and that I would need an emergency cerclage.  So I was immediately taking to labor and delivery where I stayed for the next 6 days, but my battle with IC was lost because on July 21st Tiffany Evette was born. 
From that point on our days and nights we’re filled with tears and questions.  How could this happen?  What is an Incompetent Cervix?  Why did this happen to us?  Why did we have to lose our child?  We wanted our little girl, we loved our little girl!!   No matter how many questions we asked, it still didn’t bring our Tiffany back.
We took a leap out on faith and In February 2009, we we’re pregnant again!!!  This time we had a plan.  We knew what an Incompetent Cervix was and we knew how to treat it….we we’re ready.  This time we we’re bringing our baby home!! I WAS WRONG, AGAIN.  It was like déjà vu.  Everything was happening in the exact same way as our loss with Tiffany.  I went in for a “regular” doctor’s appointment and a “change” was seen with my cervix.  So we checked in the hospital, expecting to be home in 48 hours.  However, things went downhill fast, and 14 days later, on June 21st (Father’s Day), I gave birth to Elizabeth Hope.
How could this happen again?  Lighting never strikes twice in the same place, at least that what we have always been told.  But lighting does strike twice in the same place…’s rare but it can happen.  We we’re just beginning to accept our lives, now we we’re thrown into a DEEPER pit, which was twice as big, twice as deep, and twice as painful. 
After so much pain, we found the hope to try again in November 09.  By December, we we’re pregnant and by January we we’re met with disappointment again with our second miscarriage. 
In August 2010, we became pregnant for the 5th time.  However, we quickly learned something was not right.  At six weeks we learned I had an ectopic pregnancy. 
After 4 years on this grief journey, I still cry.  I still have my days. I still grieve for my babies.  I especially grieve for my little girls.  Some of you may ask why keep going?  Why keep putting yourself though this pain?  Why keep trying?  It is because we still have hope and we have a dream, and a desire, to have a biological child.  We don’t want to look back years from now and wonder, what if.  We still have hope on this journey called grief. 
♥♥    Baby Brown-Aug 06; Tiffany-July 08; Elizabeth-June 09; “Goober”-Jan ‘10; Baby Brown 2-Sept ‘10

Friday, February 18, 2011


Well, I am back from Chicago and my TAC is in!!!  I want to thank everyone for all the prayers, support, and words of encouragement. 

The day and hours leading up to the surgery we're so hectic, I didn't have time to think about everything which was about to happen....

First, I decided to make a last minute road trip with family, Sunday morning.  Yes DH and I we're flying out Sunday evening at 6...but I thought what the heck!!!  So we made a 3 hour road trip to East Texas, spent a couple of hours with other family, and then we headed back to the metroplex.  I had just enough time to grab my bag, my coat, DH, and then head out the door.

Second, we are getting out the car and I notice DH has a runny nose.  So I immediately ask, do you have a cold.  His respond is "I think so".  We continue on into the airport where I have a wheel chair waiting on me, board, change planes in Houston....and DH says "I feel like crap".

Third, by the time we land in Chicago, DH is sick from head to toe.  By the time we get in bed its 1 a.m. and our alarm goes off at 4....we have to be at the hospital at 5:30....still no time to think....until we hit the waiting room.

The waiting room brought all my emotions up front and I began to cry the biggest tears.  I feel Tiffany and Elizabeth with me, I feel all the prayers of family and friends, and I feel all the heartache I have endured over the last 2 years.

An hour and a half later, the TAC is done. By 1pm we are headed to the room.  They soon bring DH in a bed and we both sleep until 7am!!!!!

Monday, February 7, 2011

7 days and counting

I am down to 7 days before my TAC and my emotions are everywhere!!!

First, I still have this really bad head cold.  I finally went to the doctor today, for antibotics. I don't think they we're really wanting to prescribe them, but I informed them I would be having major surgery in 7 days and I needed to be better!!  So I am nervous that I will still have a cold and we wont be able to have the surgery.

Second, I am also scared about not being able to put the TAC to use.  I don't want to think negatively but it seems as though when you have the answers to life, you are thrown a curve ball, and the game changes.

Third, I am excited.  This will be the solution to my problems.  I know the TAC is the solution to an incompetent cervix!

Fourth, I am nervous about this "major" surgery.  I have been cut on too many times in the last couple of years and I am just well....tired

I am ready for a new chapter in this journey called GRIEF

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Bad Weather Day 2

Well, Dallas is not just looking forward to the Super Bowl, but they are also looking forward to warmer weather!!!

It was 77 degrees here on Saturday, and today the high was 21 with a windchill of 2.  Tonight, we will fall into the single digits, with a windchill  of -10!!! I have always heard, "if you don't like the weather in Texas, just hang around a will change."  THIS IS CRAZY.

It is COLD here.  School was out today and school will be out on tomorrow.  This means, school (for me) will not let out until June 8th.  GRRRRR