Feeling better

Yesterday, was a hard day, but today I am feeling better.

Since I was feeling better, I decided to get out and look for DH a gift.  I was hoping to find the items online so that I could have it shipped to the house, but it was not going to make it here on time.  Therefore, I was forced to hit the streets.

The only problem is....where I needed to go to find the gift.  The gift was at a store in the "HOOD".  Not to insult anyone but this is the type of area you see in the news because of its questionable people and activities.  Its like an inside mall, minus the safe environment. 

So I said a prayer to the Lord for safety....rushed in found the store I was looking for and rushed out....but not before noticed the two police officers at the door, I was hit on, asked if I wanted my hair done!!!!  Thank you Jesus, for getting me out of there....too bad I need to go back tomorrow :)

Holiday Blues II

Oh my goodness...

I miss my girls so much right now and it hurts so much!!!!

I am screaming on the inside, I am crying on the outside and no one can "fully" understand my pain.  My heart hurts so much..... its full of so much love for my girls and they are not here for me to love, kiss, and spoil. 

All DH and I have ever wanted was one....ONE....and after all of our losses I still ask myself:  WHY.....IF NOT NOW, THEN WHEN.....

It seems that the people who don't want their babies are the ones who get pregnant over and over again.  It also seems as though some people can blink and get pregnant.  It seems as if the people who want a baby and can provide for a baby are the ones which struggle the most. 

I am sorry, but I find this my place to vent and I am hurting so right now in this grief journey

The Holiday Blues

I have tried so hard over the last couple of days and weeks to not "fall" into the holiday blues.....but it is still occuring!!!!

Even though Tiffany and Elizabeth we're both due in November (29th and 10th), December is my month of LOWS.  I can't help but wonder....would Elizabeth be walking...would Tiffany love the lights....where would we have taken our Chirstmas family photos....would they like Santa Clause or cry their eyes out....the list goes on and on

I remember last year having a total meltdown while wrapping Christmas presents.  I should have been wrapping presents for my daughters not other people. 

This year, I have stayed away from the malls the music, and all the festivities of the holidays.  I don't want to shop (and I am a shop-a-holic)...I just want to skip over everything!!!

Sorry for the blues, but I just cant help it on this grief journey!!!

TAC is scheduled

Well......today, I scheduled my TAC!!!!

OMG, I am too excited.  We are on Dr. Haney's calendar for February 14.  Now, my focus is to not get knocked up between now and then.

Thanks for the words of encouragement.  Keep me on your prayer line, because a new chapter is about to begin in my grief journey.

TAC consult

DH and I had another longggggg conversation regarding another pregnancy and having the TAC.

He stated that he could see how important this was too me and that HE WILL NOT DENY ME THIS DREAM!!!!  However, he also stated that he wanted this to be the last pregancy for us.  So pray that when the time comes and we get pregnant that everything goes well. 

I decided to call Dr. Haney, to discuss my options, so we have a phone consultation on Tuesday.  It is my hope that I can have the surgery done during Winter Break, since I will be off work for 2 weeks. 

I was considering using a local doctor in the Dallas area, but it is not sitting well with me.  I know he has experience because I have seen his name on several message boards, but I am not sure if I want him.  Right now, money is not an option, I received my coaching stipend (which was REALLY good), so its not like I have to worry about the expense of the trip.....so why not get the best to work on me.

The Doctor's Visit

Well, I had an appointment with my OB today (NO I AM NOT PREGNANT)....but I am healthy enough to try again. The doctor says there is no reason, why we should not start trying again in January.  He stated, that my tube should be completely healed and he suggested I start taking my prenatal vitamins.

The only issue I had on today....he does not believe in having the TAC pre-pregnancy!!!

I do not agree with him regarding this.  I am hoping to get the TAC pre pregancy so that I will have a "small" amount of peace before going into a new pregnancy.  He is worried about us getting the TAC and then not being able to conceive.  I am willing to take that chance.  Am I crazy?  I know we have dealt with fertility issues before, but since 2008, we have not had any problems getting pregnant...4 pregnancies in 3 years to be exact. 

So should I wait until we get pregnant first before getting the TAC or should I have it done pre pregnancy?

The talk

Thanks for the suggestions. We talked a little more....and he is scared. He didn't say those exact words but he did state that he didn't want to see me go through all the doctor appointments, bedrest, and hospital stay which we have done in the past. He is concerned that I am not able to deal with the drama and loss of another baby...closing the door on our future biological child, is for more hurtful...and believe me I KNOW HURT

I have hope

For some reason, I have found this new hope.  The kind of hope that makes me want to try again.  However, Hubby is not excited and has stated that he has 0% interest at having a biological child and only wants to consider adoption.

I was so devasted at hearing those words that I cried myself to sleep.

Am I crazy? 

I know we have been on this journey called grief for a long time, but I dont want to walk away from my dream until, I know I have tried to open every door of opportunity. 

6 1/2 year later

Here we are 6 1/2 years later after this journey began and we are still waiting for our earthly baby. 

After having surgery in 2006, 2 years after our journey began, we found out we we're pregnant!!!!  Our happiness was short lived, because only 3 days later, I miscarried at 5 1/2 weeks.

It took us another 2 years before we we're able to get pregnant again.  In February 08, we found out we we're pregnant with Tiffany( b/d July 21, 2008)

Seven months later, in February 09, we found out we we're pregnant with Elizabeth (b/d June 21, 2009)

Six months later, in December 2010,  we found out we we're pregnant yet again, but at 8 1/2 weeks the baby's heart stopped.  I was immediately scheduled for a D & C.

August 2010, I was pregnant with baby #5.....at 6 weeks we found out it was an ectopic pregnancy.

This is my grief journey.....

We're ready for a family

In April 2004, hubby and I decided we we're ready to start a family.  We had been married 2 years, had purchased our first home, and we both had good career jobs.

How exciting...a new chapter, a new beginning, a new baby!!! 

WOW....I didn't know that decision would take us on a  long, twisted journey full of detours. The journey has been so long that, I have to sit back and think about all the details.

Month after month, we tried and failed.  Not understanding, why we we're not able to get pregnant.  I knew what it took, I knew how to count my days for ovulation, I knew how to find the "window of opportunity"...but we couldn't get pregnant.  After 6 months of trying, we decided to seek professional help.  I was immediately told I wasn't ovulating and placed on clomid.  Clomid makes you feel as though you are going through the "change" with hot flashes and mood swings!!!!

After several months of being on Clomid, we still we're unable to get pregnant so we continued the Clomid along with the Follistim injections.  I thought the Clomid was bad, but with the Follistim injections, I felt like a crazy woman month after month.  Towards the end of 2005, we found help through a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  He found out through exploratory surgery, I had endometriosis fibroids, poly cystic ovaries, and both tubes we completely blocked.  WOW

This was only the beginning of this journey called grief!

Me...

Where do I start? 

I have all these thoughts and feelings and its hard for me to get all of them together.  So I guess I will just start from the beginning.  The beginning of my life, no because that would take too long.  But I will start on the day my life changed from what I know to what it is.

If you have read my profile then you fully understand why this blog exist.  Why now....I am not sure why, I feel the need to openly express me and who I am now.  A friend (Marie) also has a blog and I like her, I feel like through blogging I can help myself and "maybe" help others though this process called GRIEF.