Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Feeling better

Yesterday, was a hard day, but today I am feeling better.

Since I was feeling better, I decided to get out and look for DH a gift.  I was hoping to find the items online so that I could have it shipped to the house, but it was not going to make it here on time.  Therefore, I was forced to hit the streets.

The only problem is....where I needed to go to find the gift.  The gift was at a store in the "HOOD".  Not to insult anyone but this is the type of area you see in the news because of its questionable people and activities.  Its like an inside mall, minus the safe environment. 

So I said a prayer to the Lord for safety....rushed in found the store I was looking for and rushed out....but not before noticed the two police officers at the door, I was hit on, asked if I wanted my hair done!!!!  Thank you Jesus, for getting me out of there....too bad I need to go back tomorrow :)

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Holiday Blues II

Oh my goodness...

I miss my girls so much right now and it hurts so much!!!!

I am screaming on the inside, I am crying on the outside and no one can "fully" understand my pain.  My heart hurts so much..... its full of so much love for my girls and they are not here for me to love, kiss, and spoil. 

All DH and I have ever wanted was one....ONE....and after all of our losses I still ask myself:  WHY.....IF NOT NOW, THEN WHEN.....

It seems that the people who don't want their babies are the ones who get pregnant over and over again.  It also seems as though some people can blink and get pregnant.  It seems as if the people who want a baby and can provide for a baby are the ones which struggle the most. 

I am sorry, but I find this my place to vent and I am hurting so right now in this grief journey

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Holiday Blues

I have tried so hard over the last couple of days and weeks to not "fall" into the holiday blues.....but it is still occuring!!!!

Even though Tiffany and Elizabeth we're both due in November (29th and 10th), December is my month of LOWS.  I can't help but wonder....would Elizabeth be walking...would Tiffany love the lights....where would we have taken our Chirstmas family photos....would they like Santa Clause or cry their eyes out....the list goes on and on

I remember last year having a total meltdown while wrapping Christmas presents.  I should have been wrapping presents for my daughters not other people. 

This year, I have stayed away from the malls the music, and all the festivities of the holidays.  I don't want to shop (and I am a shop-a-holic)...I just want to skip over everything!!!

Sorry for the blues, but I just cant help it on this grief journey!!!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

TAC is scheduled, I scheduled my TAC!!!!

OMG, I am too excited.  We are on Dr. Haney's calendar for February 14.  Now, my focus is to not get knocked up between now and then.

Thanks for the words of encouragement.  Keep me on your prayer line, because a new chapter is about to begin in my grief journey.

Friday, December 3, 2010

TAC consult

DH and I had another longggggg conversation regarding another pregnancy and having the TAC.

He stated that he could see how important this was too me and that HE WILL NOT DENY ME THIS DREAM!!!!  However, he also stated that he wanted this to be the last pregancy for us.  So pray that when the time comes and we get pregnant that everything goes well. 

I decided to call Dr. Haney, to discuss my options, so we have a phone consultation on Tuesday.  It is my hope that I can have the surgery done during Winter Break, since I will be off work for 2 weeks. 

I was considering using a local doctor in the Dallas area, but it is not sitting well with me.  I know he has experience because I have seen his name on several message boards, but I am not sure if I want him.  Right now, money is not an option, I received my coaching stipend (which was REALLY good), so its not like I have to worry about the expense of the why not get the best to work on me.