Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Doctor's Visit

Well, I had an appointment with my OB today (NO I AM NOT PREGNANT)....but I am healthy enough to try again. The doctor says there is no reason, why we should not start trying again in January.  He stated, that my tube should be completely healed and he suggested I start taking my prenatal vitamins.

The only issue I had on today....he does not believe in having the TAC pre-pregnancy!!!

I do not agree with him regarding this.  I am hoping to get the TAC pre pregancy so that I will have a "small" amount of peace before going into a new pregnancy.  He is worried about us getting the TAC and then not being able to conceive.  I am willing to take that chance.  Am I crazy?  I know we have dealt with fertility issues before, but since 2008, we have not had any problems getting pregnant...4 pregnancies in 3 years to be exact. 

So should I wait until we get pregnant first before getting the TAC or should I have it done pre pregnancy?

Friday, November 19, 2010

The talk

Thanks for the suggestions. We talked a little more....and he is scared. He didn't say those exact words but he did state that he didn't want to see me go through all the doctor appointments, bedrest, and hospital stay which we have done in the past. He is concerned that I am not able to deal with the drama and loss of another baby...closing the door on our future biological child, is for more hurtful...and believe me I KNOW HURT

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I have hope

For some reason, I have found this new hope.  The kind of hope that makes me want to try again.  However, Hubby is not excited and has stated that he has 0% interest at having a biological child and only wants to consider adoption.

I was so devasted at hearing those words that I cried myself to sleep.

Am I crazy? 

I know we have been on this journey called grief for a long time, but I dont want to walk away from my dream until, I know I have tried to open every door of opportunity. 

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

6 1/2 year later

Here we are 6 1/2 years later after this journey began and we are still waiting for our earthly baby. 

After having surgery in 2006, 2 years after our journey began, we found out we we're pregnant!!!!  Our happiness was short lived, because only 3 days later, I miscarried at 5 1/2 weeks.

It took us another 2 years before we we're able to get pregnant again.  In February 08, we found out we we're pregnant with Tiffany( b/d July 21, 2008)

Seven months later, in February 09, we found out we we're pregnant with Elizabeth (b/d June 21, 2009)

Six months later, in December 2010,  we found out we we're pregnant yet again, but at 8 1/2 weeks the baby's heart stopped.  I was immediately scheduled for a D & C.

August 2010, I was pregnant with baby #5.....at 6 weeks we found out it was an ectopic pregnancy.

This is my grief journey.....

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

We're ready for a family

In April 2004, hubby and I decided we we're ready to start a family.  We had been married 2 years, had purchased our first home, and we both had good career jobs.

How exciting...a new chapter, a new beginning, a new baby!!! 

WOW....I didn't know that decision would take us on a  long, twisted journey full of detours. The journey has been so long that, I have to sit back and think about all the details.

Month after month, we tried and failed.  Not understanding, why we we're not able to get pregnant.  I knew what it took, I knew how to count my days for ovulation, I knew how to find the "window of opportunity"...but we couldn't get pregnant.  After 6 months of trying, we decided to seek professional help.  I was immediately told I wasn't ovulating and placed on clomid.  Clomid makes you feel as though you are going through the "change" with hot flashes and mood swings!!!!

After several months of being on Clomid, we still we're unable to get pregnant so we continued the Clomid along with the Follistim injections.  I thought the Clomid was bad, but with the Follistim injections, I felt like a crazy woman month after month.  Towards the end of 2005, we found help through a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  He found out through exploratory surgery, I had endometriosis fibroids, poly cystic ovaries, and both tubes we completely blocked.  WOW

This was only the beginning of this journey called grief!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


Where do I start? 

I have all these thoughts and feelings and its hard for me to get all of them together.  So I guess I will just start from the beginning.  The beginning of my life, no because that would take too long.  But I will start on the day my life changed from what I know to what it is.

If you have read my profile then you fully understand why this blog exist.  Why now....I am not sure why, I feel the need to openly express me and who I am now.  A friend (Marie) also has a blog and I like her, I feel like through blogging I can help myself and "maybe" help others though this process called GRIEF.