Well....
I received my bloodwork on yesterday...and they showed NOTHING! I was let down, I thought the test would show the reason why I keep miscarrying, but it didn't.
Could it be my age? Could it be my progesterone? Could it be......Could it be.....Could it be....
My doctor suggested that I continue to take my prenatal vitamins, a daily low dose asprian, and pray. At this point there is no "solid" reason of why, so I feel so frustrated.
Faith....the substance of things hope for the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1)....THIS IS ALL I CAN HOLD ON TO. With that being said, I step out on Faith and pray that the Lord answers my prayers and hears my cry and wipes away my tears.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Happy Birthday Lizzy
Today is Elizabeth's 2nd Birthday and Angel-day.
It has been a day full of emotions. I woke up this morning almost the exact time that my water broke 2 years ago. I opened my eyes with Elizabeth on my mind. I left the bedroom and went to the living room where I song Happy Birthday to Lizzy.I then lit a candle by her picture and picked up her urn which sits on the fireplace mantle along with Tiffanys.
I know its strange but I shook the urn so that I could hear her ashes move. I immediately broke down crying....it was weird because I heard her....I never thought I would be able to hear her again. At some point I fell asleep holding her urn in my arms.
When I woke up, my Hubby was up and sitting in the media room. He came to the living room and did the same thing as I....he picked up her urn from the mantle, took it into his hands stroked it, said happy birthday, and begin to go down the list of things he thought she would be doing today. It was touching to see and hear his love for her.
Later, the door bell rang and I knew it was the delivery man....my support group sends white roses for each year of birth/angel day. So we received 2 long stem white roses. I think I was crying before I even opened the door.
The day ended with my sister in law (Hubby's sister) calling checking on me.....SHE REMEMBERED.
It has been a day full of emotions. I woke up this morning almost the exact time that my water broke 2 years ago. I opened my eyes with Elizabeth on my mind. I left the bedroom and went to the living room where I song Happy Birthday to Lizzy.I then lit a candle by her picture and picked up her urn which sits on the fireplace mantle along with Tiffanys.
I know its strange but I shook the urn so that I could hear her ashes move. I immediately broke down crying....it was weird because I heard her....I never thought I would be able to hear her again. At some point I fell asleep holding her urn in my arms.
When I woke up, my Hubby was up and sitting in the media room. He came to the living room and did the same thing as I....he picked up her urn from the mantle, took it into his hands stroked it, said happy birthday, and begin to go down the list of things he thought she would be doing today. It was touching to see and hear his love for her.
Later, the door bell rang and I knew it was the delivery man....my support group sends white roses for each year of birth/angel day. So we received 2 long stem white roses. I think I was crying before I even opened the door.
The day ended with my sister in law (Hubby's sister) calling checking on me.....SHE REMEMBERED.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
update
Sorry it has been so long since, I have posted, but my mind has been everywhere!
Just to update you on things....back on the 16th we just knew I was having a miscarriage because of all the bleeding. Blood work was done 3 times and each time my numbers went up indicating I was still pregnant.
My doctor found I had a medium size subchronic bleed, not a miscarriage. You could clearly see a sac in the uterus. Since I was so early another ultrasound wasn't scheduled until Tuesday, May 31st.
However, on Friday, May 27, the bleeding started again. On Monday, the doctor confirmed that I did miscarry this time. At the end of the month, I will be going in for several auto immune test....to see if there are issues we dont know about.
In the mean time, I was advised to continue taking my prenatals, along a baby asprin.
Just to update you on things....back on the 16th we just knew I was having a miscarriage because of all the bleeding. Blood work was done 3 times and each time my numbers went up indicating I was still pregnant.
My doctor found I had a medium size subchronic bleed, not a miscarriage. You could clearly see a sac in the uterus. Since I was so early another ultrasound wasn't scheduled until Tuesday, May 31st.
However, on Friday, May 27, the bleeding started again. On Monday, the doctor confirmed that I did miscarry this time. At the end of the month, I will be going in for several auto immune test....to see if there are issues we dont know about.
In the mean time, I was advised to continue taking my prenatals, along a baby asprin.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Walking Away
I think it is time for me to walk away from this dream of having a child. I cannot take this rollacoaster anymore.
I was so excited after having the TAC done in February. I thought all of my dreams we're reachable.
But today, I went to the doctor knowing and realizing I was having another miscarriage. I am only 4.5 weeks so the doctor would not say I was and he would not say that I was not untill he can see the blood count from my second set of labs. But I know this pregnancy is over....and at this point I think everything is over.
I dont think I can do this anymore...its just too hard...6 pregnancies in 3 years and no earth angels is just too much even for the strongest person to endure.
I was so excited after having the TAC done in February. I thought all of my dreams we're reachable.
But today, I went to the doctor knowing and realizing I was having another miscarriage. I am only 4.5 weeks so the doctor would not say I was and he would not say that I was not untill he can see the blood count from my second set of labs. But I know this pregnancy is over....and at this point I think everything is over.
I dont think I can do this anymore...its just too hard...6 pregnancies in 3 years and no earth angels is just too much even for the strongest person to endure.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Pregancy calendar
Yesterday, while the students took their TAKS test....and I struggled with sleepiness, my mind began to wonder.
Since DH and I are currently TTC again, I began to think of all my pregnancies and it was mind blowing...as least for me.
Pregnancy 1 - August 06......one and a half years would pass before our next BFP
Pregnancy 2 - February 08-July 08.....only 6 months between T and E
Pregnancy 3 - February 09-June 09....only 6 months between E and "Goober"
Pregnancy 4 - December '10 - January '11...only 5 months between "Goober" and "Peanut"
Pregnancy 5 - August '11-September '11.....only 6 months between "Peanut" and Baby B
So in 4 1/2 years I have been pregnant ALOT...sometimes you cant see how much until you put it on paper. Just kind of makes you say WOW. I even had to laugh at the stats when I saw them. My longest stretch was before 2008, after that I have been one busy lady.
I just hope the pattern continues and we get a BFP really soon.
Since DH and I are currently TTC again, I began to think of all my pregnancies and it was mind blowing...as least for me.
Pregnancy 1 - August 06......one and a half years would pass before our next BFP
Pregnancy 2 - February 08-July 08.....only 6 months between T and E
Pregnancy 3 - February 09-June 09....only 6 months between E and "Goober"
Pregnancy 4 - December '10 - January '11...only 5 months between "Goober" and "Peanut"
Pregnancy 5 - August '11-September '11.....only 6 months between "Peanut" and Baby B
So in 4 1/2 years I have been pregnant ALOT...sometimes you cant see how much until you put it on paper. Just kind of makes you say WOW. I even had to laugh at the stats when I saw them. My longest stretch was before 2008, after that I have been one busy lady.
I just hope the pattern continues and we get a BFP really soon.
summer time
As the summer approaches, I find myself thinking of the girls more and more.Mainly because the girls birthdays are approaching....Elizabeth June 21st and Tiffany July 21st. Elizabeth would have been 2 and Tiffany would have been 3.
Sometimes I try to picture my life if they were here. Would there be crayon colors on the wall, juice stains in the carpet, toys on the floor, hand prints on the window, a step stool in the bathroom, fluffy animals on the bed, pink dresses in the closet......the list goes on and on.
Its hard to believe it has been 2 and 3 years since we lost them. Sometimes it feels like its been longer, sometimes it feels like it just happened. Although I have been on this journey for a while, it is still hard to believe all of this has happened. Sometimes I feel as though I am watching a movie...but the end never comes. It just keeps going and going and going.
Sometimes I try to picture my life if they were here. Would there be crayon colors on the wall, juice stains in the carpet, toys on the floor, hand prints on the window, a step stool in the bathroom, fluffy animals on the bed, pink dresses in the closet......the list goes on and on.
Its hard to believe it has been 2 and 3 years since we lost them. Sometimes it feels like its been longer, sometimes it feels like it just happened. Although I have been on this journey for a while, it is still hard to believe all of this has happened. Sometimes I feel as though I am watching a movie...but the end never comes. It just keeps going and going and going.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Whats Regular
I am soooo not use to the flip flopping of my cyle. I dont think I was quite prepared for the confusion my body would go through after the TAC was placed.
Once my hypothyroidism was diagnosed in 2003 and I was finally placed on the right medication, my cycles have been very regular. (Even though I went from 2003 - 2004 with no cycle!!!) Even after the loss of my girls, I regained my cycle within 6 to 8 weeks.
So here I am....2 months after the TAC was placed. I got my cycle only 2 days after my surgery, which I thought was a good sign, but then in March, I started 5 days late....April I should have ovulated on Friday, but ended up ovulaing on Monday...GRRRR....SO I MISSED THE WINDOW.
I am sooooo frustrated, I just want to be pregnant and have a chance to be an earthly mother, to a child I have carried, which I can raise and love and spoil.......AM I ASKING FOR TOO MUCH. Sometimes I feel as though I am wanting too much. Maybe I had my chance and it is now gone and I need to move on in life. OR maybe I am just being impatient and I just want it sooner than God wants me too. I JUST WISH I KNEW WHICH WAY TO GO.
Those of you who have the TAC how long did it take you to become pregnant after it was placed OR is your body still trying to adjust?
Once my hypothyroidism was diagnosed in 2003 and I was finally placed on the right medication, my cycles have been very regular. (Even though I went from 2003 - 2004 with no cycle!!!) Even after the loss of my girls, I regained my cycle within 6 to 8 weeks.
So here I am....2 months after the TAC was placed. I got my cycle only 2 days after my surgery, which I thought was a good sign, but then in March, I started 5 days late....April I should have ovulated on Friday, but ended up ovulaing on Monday...GRRRR....SO I MISSED THE WINDOW.
I am sooooo frustrated, I just want to be pregnant and have a chance to be an earthly mother, to a child I have carried, which I can raise and love and spoil.......AM I ASKING FOR TOO MUCH. Sometimes I feel as though I am wanting too much. Maybe I had my chance and it is now gone and I need to move on in life. OR maybe I am just being impatient and I just want it sooner than God wants me too. I JUST WISH I KNEW WHICH WAY TO GO.
Those of you who have the TAC how long did it take you to become pregnant after it was placed OR is your body still trying to adjust?
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