Saturday, October 1, 2011
My angels are remembered
My pictures of the Walk to Remember from my support group. I cannot explain to you how wonderful this experience was. There were tears shed but there were smiles as well. Over 1000 people came out honoring over 250 babies.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
A Feeling...
For those of you who visit here from time to time, you know that this blog has been all about my life since the loss of my girls in 2008 and 2009 and the pregnancies, heartaches, and my daily life which have followed.
There have been times on this grief journey that I have this overwhelming feeling. It fills my chest and I feel like I could sufficate with this feeling. Before I know it my eyes feel with tears and they roll down my face like a river. There is never a sound...a cry of pain....there are just tears. The tears dont last but a minute or two and then they are gone but not until I say hello. Yes, "hello".
I use to think it was just another part of grief raising its ugly head.....but that it is not the case anymore.
It hard for me to describe how I have come to this point in my journey. In my heart I believe when this feeling comes over me it is not of pain, but of love. In my heart I believe its Tiffany and Elizabeth saying hello and that they miss me. So I tell each one by one "hello Tiffany...I love u 2 and Mommy misses you so much.....hello Elizabeth...I love u 2 and Mommy misses you so much.
Before I know it the tears are gone and the heaviness in my chest is gone.
Has anyone else had this feeling? If so what do you think of that feeling?
Like I said before, I BELIEVE IN MY HEART, MY GIRLS ARE SAYING HELLO.
There have been times on this grief journey that I have this overwhelming feeling. It fills my chest and I feel like I could sufficate with this feeling. Before I know it my eyes feel with tears and they roll down my face like a river. There is never a sound...a cry of pain....there are just tears. The tears dont last but a minute or two and then they are gone but not until I say hello. Yes, "hello".
I use to think it was just another part of grief raising its ugly head.....but that it is not the case anymore.
It hard for me to describe how I have come to this point in my journey. In my heart I believe when this feeling comes over me it is not of pain, but of love. In my heart I believe its Tiffany and Elizabeth saying hello and that they miss me. So I tell each one by one "hello Tiffany...I love u 2 and Mommy misses you so much.....hello Elizabeth...I love u 2 and Mommy misses you so much.
Before I know it the tears are gone and the heaviness in my chest is gone.
Has anyone else had this feeling? If so what do you think of that feeling?
Like I said before, I BELIEVE IN MY HEART, MY GIRLS ARE SAYING HELLO.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
False Positive
I am a bad blogger.....I post regularly and then I fall of the wagon....
I had a false positive test pregnancy test which is most likely for the best best since I lost my teaching job in June and my insurance will expire Sept 1st.
I am currently STILL looking and I was already stressed out and I was beginning to stress out even more realizing the situation I would be in. Dont get me wrong I would have happily accepted a new pregnancy but I also realize I need to be careful so that I dont put DH and I in a pregnancy with one income and no insurance, high risk, with an incompetent cervix.......
How do spell relief...N-E-G-A-T-I-V-E
I had a false positive test pregnancy test which is most likely for the best best since I lost my teaching job in June and my insurance will expire Sept 1st.
I am currently STILL looking and I was already stressed out and I was beginning to stress out even more realizing the situation I would be in. Dont get me wrong I would have happily accepted a new pregnancy but I also realize I need to be careful so that I dont put DH and I in a pregnancy with one income and no insurance, high risk, with an incompetent cervix.......
How do spell relief...N-E-G-A-T-I-V-E
Monday, August 1, 2011
comment troubles?
Hi ladies
I have tried to comment on several of your messages and blogs but for some reason I cannot. So I wanted everyone to know, if I dont say anything....its not by choice.
I hope to resolve this issue soon.
I have tried to comment on several of your messages and blogs but for some reason I cannot. So I wanted everyone to know, if I dont say anything....its not by choice.
I hope to resolve this issue soon.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Happy Birthday Tiffany
I cant believe my Tiffany would be 3 today.
DH asked me what I thought she would be doing today. I stated, probably coloring my walls, since the economy is so bad and money is so tight".
Today, I got up and lit a candle and song Happy Birthday to her. Later MEND sent 3 long white roses.
DH asked if anyone called to let us know they thought of Tiffany today and I said "no". He then asked if my feelings we're hurt and I said "no". I have "matured" in my grief...if that makes since. I don't care if people remember (I am touched when they do). I am not hurt if the phone doesn't ring or they don't leave a message on my facebook page. I understand their lives continue the clock keeps ticking and there is no reason for them to mark the 21st of June and the 21st of July on their calendar.
Unless a loss touches a person directly there is no need for a person to remember my loss or anyone else's loss.....I am OK with it!
Anyways...Happy Birthday to my sweet Tiffany Pooh. I still remember how you felt in my arms, your long skinny fingers (like your Aunt), you looked just like your Daddy, and you had your Mommy's toes.
DH asked me what I thought she would be doing today. I stated, probably coloring my walls, since the economy is so bad and money is so tight".
Today, I got up and lit a candle and song Happy Birthday to her. Later MEND sent 3 long white roses.
DH asked if anyone called to let us know they thought of Tiffany today and I said "no". He then asked if my feelings we're hurt and I said "no". I have "matured" in my grief...if that makes since. I don't care if people remember (I am touched when they do). I am not hurt if the phone doesn't ring or they don't leave a message on my facebook page. I understand their lives continue the clock keeps ticking and there is no reason for them to mark the 21st of June and the 21st of July on their calendar.
Unless a loss touches a person directly there is no need for a person to remember my loss or anyone else's loss.....I am OK with it!
Anyways...Happy Birthday to my sweet Tiffany Pooh. I still remember how you felt in my arms, your long skinny fingers (like your Aunt), you looked just like your Daddy, and you had your Mommy's toes.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Bloodwork results
Well....
I received my bloodwork on yesterday...and they showed NOTHING! I was let down, I thought the test would show the reason why I keep miscarrying, but it didn't.
Could it be my age? Could it be my progesterone? Could it be......Could it be.....Could it be....
My doctor suggested that I continue to take my prenatal vitamins, a daily low dose asprian, and pray. At this point there is no "solid" reason of why, so I feel so frustrated.
Faith....the substance of things hope for the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1)....THIS IS ALL I CAN HOLD ON TO. With that being said, I step out on Faith and pray that the Lord answers my prayers and hears my cry and wipes away my tears.
I received my bloodwork on yesterday...and they showed NOTHING! I was let down, I thought the test would show the reason why I keep miscarrying, but it didn't.
Could it be my age? Could it be my progesterone? Could it be......Could it be.....Could it be....
My doctor suggested that I continue to take my prenatal vitamins, a daily low dose asprian, and pray. At this point there is no "solid" reason of why, so I feel so frustrated.
Faith....the substance of things hope for the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1)....THIS IS ALL I CAN HOLD ON TO. With that being said, I step out on Faith and pray that the Lord answers my prayers and hears my cry and wipes away my tears.
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