Haley Justine

Well
Miss Haley couldnt wait to meet he parents.

So on June 1st at 11:46 she was born....weighing 6 lbs and 17.5 inches long.  Even though I was only 36 weeks, she came into the world healthy and without any assistance and was able to come home with mom and dad. 

Our prayers have been answered. 

My Days are Numbered

I didnt realize it had been so long since posting.

So I am currently 35 weeks and 5 days. 

My c-section is scheduled for June 14th.

As of Friday, Haley is 6 lbs and 19 inches long.  We were able to see her chubby cheeks and a head full of hair during her sonogram. 

I have contractions almost every day, but not enough to go in to the hospital.  Today I think Haley may have turned because the pain brought tears to my eyes.  She has been breech almost since hitting the 3rd trimester....we will see for sure on Thursday. 

Everything is looking great and going well....praying it stays that way. 

Thanks for keeping up with me, but after Haley arrives I think I will be shutting my blog down,,,,,but i will keep updating until i decide.

29 weeks 4 days

Well this week I will be 30 weeks and it still so unreal. 

Everything was quiet until last week.  I failed my 1 hour glucose test so I had to take the 3 hour.  At the 3 hour I was not feeling good and had a "stomach ache" which seemed to go on and on.  When I finally mentioned it to the nurse, she talked to "my" nurse who works with my doctor.

After the exam, he felt the need to give me my first round of steroid shots for the baby's lungs and I was sent to the hospital to be evaluated.  The monitor picked up contractions which were occuring too frequently so I was given the Terb shot.  After about 5 hours, the contractions finally stopped and I was sent home.

The next day I noticed that Haley was not as active, but I just assumed it was becasue she was tired.  However, by Saturday I was becoming worried.  I was doing everything to get her moving but it wasnt working.  I did the kick count 2x and her counts were very different and slow.  I called the hospital and expressed my concerns, and they told me to come in

So after being on the monitors a while, her kicks began to pick up....but they could also see contractions on the monitor....so we had to stay longer and have a full exam AGAIN. 

By Sunday, Haley's kicks and activity we're back to normal and all is well. 

27 weeks 3 days

This is my last 4 days in the second trimester!!! I still cant believe that I am going into the third tri.....it still feels like a dream, but here sits the proof.

Haley and I are doing very well.  The TAC is doing an amazing job.  My cervix measured 5.3 yesterday.  My due date is in June, the exact date has not been scheduled yet.  (Not sure why my doctor hasnt put me on the books). 

24 weeks and counting

if I didnt have such a horrible headache I would be smiling from ear to ear.  So I am smiling on the inside.

Today I hit 24 weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I cannot express how I feel to get to this point.  I find myself thinking of Tiffany and Elizabeth and wanting so much to reach this point with them.  It is so bitter sweet, because now I realize all the little things which I missed out with them. 

I am so thankful to reach this point with Haley, so much pressure has been lifted off my shoulders.

23 weeks and 3 days

I am starting to breathe again.

I am feeling more positive everyday.

I look forward to meeting my Haley in June

I look forward to bringing her home and spoiling her rotten.

I look forward to the future. 

New Grief

Last week, I was thrown into a new type of grief. My sister lost her battle with cancer and passed away.  Her funeral was Wednesday, and it has been such a roller coster of emotions

She was one of the only ones which knew I was going to Chicago to have the TAC placed by Dr. Haney.  After I explained to her what the TAC was, she summed it up by stating "its like a basket".  I didnt really get it but she did, so from that day on she would ask when I was going to put an egg in the basket.

Right before we found out her cancer was terminal, I told her I had an egg in the basket!  She was so excited for me. 

On days that I would go see about her, she made it a point of getting up and rubbing my stomach and telling her new nephrew/niece hello.  As sick as she was, it was like, in that moment all her aches and pains would go away and she had just enough strength to tell the baby hello. 

In January, right before she went into the hospital, we found out the baby is a girl.  So as I entered her bedroom she asked "how is Ethan".....I let her know we would need to change the name because Ethan was not a suitable name for girl.  She smiled and then laughed, saying "wow another girl".

I was placed on bedrest because of contractions when she was placed in the hospital....It was the last time I would see her. 

So in memory of my sister I decided to give Haley my sister's name to be used as her middle.....
Haley Justine. 

19 weeks

Just a quick update.....

I am officially 19 weeks.  Last week I began having contractions so I was placed on strict bedrest and Procardia.

The contractions finally stopped so I am doing much better.  Dr. stated I do not have to do strict bedrest anymore, but I do have to continue to take it very easy.

Also, its official Baby Brown, is a baby Girl. So here name will be Haley :)

16 weeks and 3 days

Well I am slowly moving forward,

The Dr. is really happy with my progress.  So we are praying that things remain quiet and stable.  I am feeling calm at the moment and hoping to stay that way.  At the beginning of this pregnancy I was on pins and needles.  My anxiety level was off the chart and I was not sleeping.....

I am counting down my weeks until 24 weeks and pray everday that I can reach my milestone.... +.....the weeks afterwards which will bring this little one home.  Hubby and I have decided on Ethan if its a boy and Haley if its a girl.   We have been told what they think the baby is but I will save that for a later post.

14 weeks 4 days

Well its New Years Eve.....the time we try to strive for new goals and dreams and the time we reflect on the past year.

As I look over the year some things we're good, some things I could have done better, and some things I am still working on.  Even though all of my goals have not been reached they are being worked on.....one in particular is being a mom.  I remember saying to my DH last year that I wanted to work on several items by the end of the year...1.  work on paying off bills 2. refinance the house 3. prepare for our own child to come into our home or adopt.

Even though I lost my teaching job in June (due to budget cuts) I have managed to pay off one of my many credit card bills and my car :)  The two bills together save us over $500 a month (WOW).  Refinancing the house is harder than I thought since we are now a one income family.  As of Dec 31, 2011 I am 14 weeks and 4 days, so I am preparing to bring our own biological child home.

Even though the weeks have been difficult, I am here.  I have made it through the first trimester!!!!  Every day I work to stay positive and not let fear take over .  I would be lying if I said I wasnt scared, if I havent cried, if I havent felt like I was losing my mind. 

I am praying that 2012 brings me my earthly baby...home, safely, and healthy

12 weeks 4 days

I am so ready to get past the first trimester....

It has been an emotional rollacoster, but then I wonder if the second trimester will be any different.  I wish I could have a normal pregnancy.  So many worries, so many tears, so much loss has trully put a "damper" on the "pregnancy bliss".

Is it just me.....

I have not openly announced that I was pregnant.  People and family have found out through my sickness and my belly...lol.  I have told a couple of people openly but I didnt scream it from the roof tops.  My brother told his wife, "I think Ton Ton is pregnant".  She replied, yea, I think so as well and when she is ready to tell us she will in her own time.  I dont think I ever said I was but i just slid it into conversation. 

Since it has been cold wearing my coat hides my stomach from most.  Two ladies at church just noticed my bump and we're very suprised.   They wanted to know if they had missed the annoucement. 

Coming out of hiding

My heart is racing and tears are flowing as I type this but I am tired of hiding....I am currently 10 weeks pregnant!!!

For those of you who do not know me, I am back for the 7th time!!!!!

After trying for over 2 years to conceive with Endometriosis, Fibroids, PCOS, Hypothyroidism, and 1 functioning tube......

Pregnancy #1 ended at 5.5 weeks in 06
Pregnancy #2 ended with the b/d of our first daughter Tiffany @ 21 weeks in 08...failed emergency cerclage
Pregnancy #3 ended with the b/d of our second daughter Elizabeth @ 20 weeks in 09....failed preventive cerclage
Pregnancy #4 ended at 8 weeks for unknown reasons in 09
Pregnancy #5 was ectopic found at 6 weeks in 09 ( in the tube that is "closed" but has healed enough to pull an egg out but not through)
Pregnancy #6 ended in May at 6.5 weeks due to possible low progesterone

And here we are this pregnancy has been soooooo different one day i am sick and the next I fee fine.....one day i have sore breast and the next day I dont. My doctor feels very good about this pregnancy. I have been on progesterone since day 1 along with baby aspirin. I start Levonox on Friday, which is a daily shot of a blood thinner.

Please pray for me and this pregnancy that this journey to motherhood is long and boring

How is everyone?

I have been so preoccupied with "stuff" that I have slacked off with my post.  I promise to do better.

I know that several have had POSITIVE test and others are still hoping and waiting. 

My minister preached today about not giving up on GOD....life can be difficult and hard but you cannot give up on GOD.  If you are still here and you have breath in your body, then there is always hope.  Hope is only as far as you can see...if you dont or cant see yourself and your dreams beyond today or tomorrow, then how can hope "trully" live within you?

I thought all of us could get something from this message!

I know personally, after I lost Elizabeth, I wanted to give up.  I wanted to roll over and die.  I wanted to be like the woman in I Kings 18...who waited on death to come.  But then my DH said to me, "if I lose you and the girls, where does that leave me, what am I going to do without you?"  When he said that I realized I could not leave my husband, broken from every area of his soul.  He first watched his children die and then his wife...I could not do that to him. 

So we prayed everyday that God would help us deal with our pain ....we continue to hope everyday for a rainbow....because we are looking beyond today and tomorrow.

More walk pictures

Here are a couple of other pictures

My angels are remembered

My pictures of the Walk to Remember from my support group.  I cannot explain to you how wonderful this experience was.  There were tears shed but there were smiles as well.  Over 1000 people came out honoring over 250 babies. 



A Feeling...

For those of you who visit here from time to time, you know that this blog has been all about my life since the loss of my girls in 2008 and 2009 and the pregnancies, heartaches, and my daily life which have followed. 

There have been times on this grief journey that I have this overwhelming feeling.  It fills my chest and I feel like I could sufficate with this feeling.  Before I know it my eyes feel with tears and they roll down my face like a river.  There is never a sound...a cry of pain....there are just tears.  The tears dont last but a minute or two and then they are gone but not until I say hello.  Yes, "hello". 

I use to think it was just another part of grief raising its ugly head.....but that it is not the case anymore.
It hard for me to describe how I have come to this point in my journey.  In my heart I believe when this feeling comes over me it is not of pain, but of love.  In my heart I believe its Tiffany and Elizabeth saying hello and that they miss me.  So I tell each one by one "hello Tiffany...I love u 2 and Mommy misses you so much.....hello Elizabeth...I love u 2 and Mommy misses you so much. 

Before I know it the tears are gone and the heaviness in my chest is gone.

Has anyone else had this feeling?  If so what do you think of that feeling?

Like I said before, I BELIEVE IN MY HEART, MY GIRLS ARE SAYING HELLO.

False Positive

I am a bad blogger.....I post regularly and then I fall of the wagon....

I had a false positive test pregnancy test which is most likely for the best best since I lost my teaching job in June and my insurance will expire Sept 1st. 

I am currently STILL looking and I was already stressed out and I was beginning to stress out even more realizing the situation I would be in.  Dont get me wrong I would have happily accepted a new pregnancy but I also realize I need to be careful so that I dont put DH and I in a pregnancy with one income and no insurance, high risk, with an incompetent cervix.......

How do spell relief...N-E-G-A-T-I-V-E

comment troubles?

Hi ladies

I have tried to comment on several of your messages and blogs but for some reason I cannot.  So I wanted everyone to know, if I dont say anything....its not by choice. 

I hope to resolve this issue soon.

Happy Birthday Tiffany

I cant believe my Tiffany would be 3 today.

DH asked me what I thought she would be doing today.  I stated, probably coloring my walls, since the economy is so bad and money is so tight". 

Today, I got up and lit a candle and song Happy Birthday to her.  Later MEND sent 3 long white roses.

DH asked if anyone called to let us know they thought of Tiffany today and I said "no". He then asked if my feelings we're hurt and I said "no".  I have "matured" in my grief...if that makes since.  I don't care if people remember (I am touched when they do).  I am not hurt if the phone doesn't ring or they don't leave a message on my facebook page. I understand their lives continue the clock keeps ticking and there is no reason for them to mark the 21st of June and the 21st of July on their calendar. 

Unless a loss touches a person directly there is no need for a person to remember my loss or anyone else's loss.....I am OK with it!

Anyways...Happy Birthday to my sweet Tiffany Pooh.  I still remember how you felt in my arms, your long skinny fingers (like your Aunt), you looked just like your Daddy, and you had your Mommy's toes. 

Bloodwork results

Well....

I received my bloodwork on yesterday...and they showed NOTHING!  I was let down, I thought the test would show the reason why I keep miscarrying, but it didn't. 

Could it be my age? Could it be my progesterone? Could it be......Could it be.....Could it be....

My doctor suggested that I continue to take my prenatal vitamins, a daily low dose asprian, and pray.  At this point there is no "solid" reason of why, so I feel so frustrated. 

Faith....the substance of things hope for the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1)....THIS IS ALL I CAN HOLD ON TO. With that being said, I step out on Faith and pray that the Lord answers my prayers and hears my cry and wipes away my tears.